Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
