I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Randomize
