If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
