I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
