I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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