She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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