Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
