I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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