I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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