I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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