I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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