Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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