just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
