U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
