he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
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