Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
of course. lets lasso hookers.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
