you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Everyone says I win the strip club
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
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