I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
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