You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
