and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Randomize
