i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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