I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Randomize
