totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
