fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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