you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
