i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
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