Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
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