So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
