You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
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