it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
