I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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