You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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