just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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