I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Drunk is not a location!
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
