Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
