Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Randomize
