My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Randomize
