I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
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