Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
So squirting runs in the family.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize