On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
