Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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