Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Randomize