Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
