he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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