Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
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