we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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