haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
But i just feel like he will pull it out and ill panic. I mean its fairly basic. Up and down. But i feel like ill just freak out.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
