"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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