on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
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