It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
