Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Randomize
