: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Randomize
