so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Randomize
