i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
