Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Randomize
