She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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