Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Randomize
