Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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