listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
